Oh yeah, and the whole point behind posting tonight was this thing about realizing that I have been trying to fill the hole of emotional affection left by not having a relationship by surrounding myself with physically attractive women. Thus, having been without a supportive emotional relationship since Erin before she dumped me (unless you count Beth on her good days, which were good but unfortunately outnumbered by the bad ones), I have been trying to engage myself in the enjoyment of physically attractive scenery. This has been tempered by attempts to enjoy good female company as well, but the fact remains that I am trying to replace a missing ceiling support with carpet or something. Physical attraction and pleasant company are very important parts of a relationship, and perhaps even important parts of a healthy personality, but they must exist in cooperation with emotional attachment, rather than replacing it. This is why people attempt to have purely physical relationships but fail in them miserably, and keep having them because they remain as unfulfilled aferward as they were before. I have, in a sense, had purely physical relationships (though they weren't actual relationships, simply looking) as long as I can remember being attracted to anyone - even before Erin, before I was dating. I wasn't always so interested in such superficial attachments to women around me, but that was before I realized how crazy the emotional trip from crushes can be and before I felt the sting of being turned down. Since then I have always tried to replace emotional relationships by simply immersing myself in the attractive and amiable around me. Sometimes this was because emotional relationship were not available to me, and sometimes it has just been more convenient because hot girls don't stop being hot or going out in public just to spite guys like me who look at them, or because it "doesn't work" for them anymore. There's no guilt, there's no misleading, and it's easy. But I've realized (not now, I'm almost too tired to type right now) that it isn't a replacement for emotional attachment, and that's why I feel lonely. It isn't that my friends aren't there for me - I have wonderful, supportive friends that keep me sane no matter what. However, there's just something missing that all the friends, fun dates, and pretty girls in the world couldn't replace.


And I just read over this and confirmed it's a rambling mess, but maybe I can clear it up tomorrow. The end result is that this superficial attachment to good looks and women in general cannot sustain me, and will probably lead to my emotional demise if I don't get over it. I need to get back to the emotion of relationships, how great it can be to see someone even if the last time was just yesterday, how someone's smile can feel warm inside (not counting shots), how nice it can be to just spend time around someone, doing anything or nothing at all. I need to fall for someone. Again.


I'm ready for a relationship.