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I don't wanna know
if you're playing me keep it on the low
'cause my heart can't take it anymore
and if you're creeping please don't let it show
oh baby I don't wanna know
~Mario Winans

...also known as "the sadness." So great, in its sadness. No particular significance - except, again, that for some masochistic reason I enjoy basking, no, reveling in the sadness that this song embodies.

So it's time to let go. That is, it was time to let go a couple of days ago, but apparently now it was time to let go a couple of months ago. Regardless, it's not that easy. There's no "off" switch, no giant power cord or panic button or anything else. The heart is an entity that functions of its own accord (and yes, the sinoatrial node can generate signals for cardiac contraction independent of the brain, but that's different). It contradicts typical laws of logic and reason, conforming instead to its own code of behavior that has defied analysis by desperate men and women since the beginning of human time.

It is for this reason that I have found myself at an impasse in previous times: how to reason with the situation wherein I am attracted to someone in whom I cannot be interested. It seems now more than ever that, as a good friend, I must let this go. However, it almost seems reasonable this time. I remember the last time I tried to let this go and, in retrospect, how miserable a failure it was. Again, the heart is its own governing entity and is quite capable of ignoring the intelligent or logical choices suggested by the cerebrum. I can only hope that I was not the only one who failed so thoroughly in such an endeavour.

In any case, I found myself considering the words of the Romantics: enjoy the memory of that which you have enjoyed, and enjoy it all the more for the fact that it is gone. They probably never actually said that, but that's kinda the point. Romanticism was one of my favorite classes ever and I miss it; it gave me a better outlook on life. To have forgotten it, or just not taken it into consideration for some time, seemed like an insult to the classes and the writers themselves. So the other day I was thinking about this letting-go thing and how bummed I felt about it, and then it occurred to me that it was gone, yet I could be happy if I just focused on the fact that I had what I had. That may seem like settling or rationalizing but in fact, it doesn't change anything and it makes me feel better about things.

So that's that. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or even today... but I do know that I value the past enough to respect it and enjoy its memory even in the face of a less-hopeful future. Again, nothing has changed, but I am not going to wish for things I can't have if I don't stop to appreciate what I lost.

To put this in context... I'm a little not myself right now. I'm quite ramble-y and a little woozy as well as very tired. However it still makes perfect sense from my current perspective. and that's that.