While I am a little tired, and should probably go to bed (let alone the fact that I'm physically ready for bed), I think I'm going to write a bit. It would make me feel better, getting my mind off stuff. I hate to use something as useless as a video game I'm already infatuated with to get my mind off something as important to me (and as contemplation-worthy) as this is, but right now I don't really want to think about it. I've written a second chapter for Psionic [originally Psychotic] Cyber-Ninja Thingy, detailing the origin of the character's talents and the political situation surrounding the game. Yeah, both that bored and want to get my mind off it that badly. (Yet, I can't.) I will spare anyone reading for the ongoing drama and little quips that my life consists of - though recently there seems to be too much of the former and not nearly enough of the latter - the chore of reading through Chapter 2, which is the most boring one so far (that's me trying to be funny... yeah, I know) unless someone asks for it. It's also like twice as long as the first one.

Now that I've scared everybody off of that idea, I'll share my most recent thoughts on the topic at hand. We always see, hear, and read into everything just what we want to. I wasn't going to read any further to spare myself what I missed, but what I read instead made me think I haven't missed anything. Two things are wrong with this. The thing I read first suggests that I have missed something, and that I would definitely be missing it if I continue to treat this situation like I have in the last few hours. The second problem is with my stopping point. I started with some stuff which I think is perfectly honest and, if I read it correctly, positive; that encouraged me to read further. Reading further exposed recent events (damn bottom-to-top structuring... anyone who uses that is asking for confusion =P) that brought to surface something I didn't want to deal with. That hurt, because I have been denying it for some time. I should have stopped there, but I didn't. I read further to the decision, and the truths that came to light there hurt even more than I thought possible. I was ready to give the entire thing up... perhaps not the entire thing, but at least my hopes. However, I've had some time to think about it (I tried so hard not to, but that really was a boring chapter and a hard one to write - SS2 isn't about the politics and science of R-grade cyber-modification, but about blasting aliens and robots and stuff - and it kept creeping into my mind) and I don't think I should do anything, or really feel a certain way, before I read more. Except for the very beginning (again, if I interpret it correctly), I've only read negative things, but there may be positive things ahead, even if they came to a negative conclusion - which I've already read. In conclusion, I think I'll have to make myself read further at some point, just not now because now I really need to get some sleep. It's just so frustrating finding myself going from waiting for an opportunity to being denied that opportunity, then finding I never had a true opportunity to begin with. I'm at the point of trying to find out if I ever really had that chance or not, and if I never had it or I lost it, then I will be disappointed but I will get over it. If I did (and still do), then hope is not completely lost, and nothing blooms in the face of adversity quite like hope does if given the chance.

Goodnight, wherever you are.



Now playing:
Linkin Park, Breaking The Habit:

"I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight"