"Blog - A public internet journal kept by individuals who obviously have no shame."
Monday, January 19, 2004
Now Playing:
Sublime, What I Got
Feeling fun and fanciful, possibly due to the Froot Loops for breakfast. The bastards were refilling the Cheerios (standard healthy breakfast fare) but I thought they were just out, so I tried to substitute. It was tasty, though it is certain that not all round cereals with holes are created equal. Just similar.
More likely, feeling fun and fanciful due to having a great time last night. Maybe I'm having a case of selective amnesia again (which wouldn't necessarily be as bad as last time I did that) but no matter how it happened, all the fears and worries and everything bad that was going through my head in recent days has melted away like so much morning fog under a brilliant sun. I like a girl and she likes me. Life is good.
Sublime, What I Got
Feeling fun and fanciful, possibly due to the Froot Loops for breakfast. The bastards were refilling the Cheerios (standard healthy breakfast fare) but I thought they were just out, so I tried to substitute. It was tasty, though it is certain that not all round cereals with holes are created equal. Just similar.
More likely, feeling fun and fanciful due to having a great time last night. Maybe I'm having a case of selective amnesia again (which wouldn't necessarily be as bad as last time I did that) but no matter how it happened, all the fears and worries and everything bad that was going through my head in recent days has melted away like so much morning fog under a brilliant sun. I like a girl and she likes me. Life is good.
Sunday, January 18, 2004
Previously Playing (all damn week, and probably all next week):
If I could fall in love again
I'd fall in love with you
If I could turn a grain of sand
Into a pearl I would
- Lenny Kravitz, If I Could Fall In Love
Brats (bratwurst sausages, for the uncultured =P) tonight, and where am I but stuck at work until 9. I have nothing against a cold brat, but hot off the grill is the way to go, not to mention that I'm missing the Eagles game. While this won't give me a nervous disorder (and I'll probably catch score updates here anyway), it would be nice to chill with everybody for a bit. Last night was cool, but the limited social interaction during a movie is not really "hanging out" with friends, just kind of sitting there facing the same direction, making occasional stray remarks. I don't know how things are with all the couples around me, but everyone seems to be surviving, which is generally a good thing. It does, however, limit the amount of time I get to hang out with members of said couples, therefore making this evening an occasion to be home cheering and eating game food rather than staring at the walls at work. That said, all the googly eyes, smooching noises, and disappearances into bedrooms get me a little down. I have nothing against PDA's, and I'm sure I wouldn't care who was in my viscinity unless it was my parents, but 6 months is a long time...
Now Playing:
My heart likes having hurt
So send the pain below
- Chevelle, Send the Pain Below
If I could fall in love again
I'd fall in love with you
If I could turn a grain of sand
Into a pearl I would
- Lenny Kravitz, If I Could Fall In Love
Brats (bratwurst sausages, for the uncultured =P) tonight, and where am I but stuck at work until 9. I have nothing against a cold brat, but hot off the grill is the way to go, not to mention that I'm missing the Eagles game. While this won't give me a nervous disorder (and I'll probably catch score updates here anyway), it would be nice to chill with everybody for a bit. Last night was cool, but the limited social interaction during a movie is not really "hanging out" with friends, just kind of sitting there facing the same direction, making occasional stray remarks. I don't know how things are with all the couples around me, but everyone seems to be surviving, which is generally a good thing. It does, however, limit the amount of time I get to hang out with members of said couples, therefore making this evening an occasion to be home cheering and eating game food rather than staring at the walls at work. That said, all the googly eyes, smooching noises, and disappearances into bedrooms get me a little down. I have nothing against PDA's, and I'm sure I wouldn't care who was in my viscinity unless it was my parents, but 6 months is a long time...
Now Playing:
My heart likes having hurt
So send the pain below
- Chevelle, Send the Pain Below
Saturday, January 17, 2004
Friday, January 16, 2004
So now I'm halfway through my closing shift at the booth. Having played pool for a good hour total and having had (before coming to work) a couple fuzzy navels and a chicken ceasar salad while watching Underworld on our new TV and entertainment center... (pauses for effect) ...I'm in a decent mood altogether, just a little morose or melancholy or some other angsty m-word. I would really rather not be here, which doesn't have entirely to do with my particularly rusty pool skills and lack of something better to do on shift. It isn't really even because I could be at home instead hanging out with my roommates (the reason why I live with them in the first place, other than their electronics and alcohol-legal girlfriends =P). I mean hell, even with my limited connections I could probably even be at Talbot chilling with the KA's, which means dancing with hot girls in the middle of a room so packed that crossing the 20 feet from the front to the back is a challenge.
Honestly, all of these places are cooler than where I am now and what I'm doing now, even though this is not a bad place and activity by far; however, I simply don't really want to be doing any of these things or hanging around any of these places. I don't know where I want to be or what I want to be doing - and especially not who I want to be doing it with - but I just don't want to be stuck in the setting of my life with the characters of my life, living the activities of my life. This isn't a matter of wanting to be someone else, because I am just as happy with being who I am right now as I usually am, though my pool skill could use some work. I just want to get away from everything - from life - for a little bit. One might say that was winter break, but it was not a break from life, just a postponement of college life by (generally inferior) home life. Still life, still everything I am used to and everything I usually love being around. But right now, I feel like I've been stuck here for 19 years, like some sort of purgatory, and I've been wondering what this interlude precedes. Not to get into religion and everything - I just feel like I'm waiting for something, preparing for something, killing time until something happens that my life is for. Maybe it's someone my life is for; I've postulated that before, and I wouldn't be surprised if that completely changed my life. I really don't know. If I did, that would ruin the surprise.
I really don't know what this is. I'm a little tired, not really from the fuzzy navels but just from lack of sleep this week. I'll get over all that, but I don't intend to let myself slip into a funk again - Katie would kill me, among other reasons. However, I can't fix something that I didn't know was wrong and don't know how to fix. The best course of action, then, would be to figure out what's wrong and what I can do about it, and get started on that as soon as I am able. In any case, I've resorted to spouting incoherent babble, so I'm going to go clean off the tables and get myself together for departure... the cafe has had one customer in two hours. So until I'm bored and melancholy-ish again...
Honestly, all of these places are cooler than where I am now and what I'm doing now, even though this is not a bad place and activity by far; however, I simply don't really want to be doing any of these things or hanging around any of these places. I don't know where I want to be or what I want to be doing - and especially not who I want to be doing it with - but I just don't want to be stuck in the setting of my life with the characters of my life, living the activities of my life. This isn't a matter of wanting to be someone else, because I am just as happy with being who I am right now as I usually am, though my pool skill could use some work. I just want to get away from everything - from life - for a little bit. One might say that was winter break, but it was not a break from life, just a postponement of college life by (generally inferior) home life. Still life, still everything I am used to and everything I usually love being around. But right now, I feel like I've been stuck here for 19 years, like some sort of purgatory, and I've been wondering what this interlude precedes. Not to get into religion and everything - I just feel like I'm waiting for something, preparing for something, killing time until something happens that my life is for. Maybe it's someone my life is for; I've postulated that before, and I wouldn't be surprised if that completely changed my life. I really don't know. If I did, that would ruin the surprise.
I really don't know what this is. I'm a little tired, not really from the fuzzy navels but just from lack of sleep this week. I'll get over all that, but I don't intend to let myself slip into a funk again - Katie would kill me, among other reasons. However, I can't fix something that I didn't know was wrong and don't know how to fix. The best course of action, then, would be to figure out what's wrong and what I can do about it, and get started on that as soon as I am able. In any case, I've resorted to spouting incoherent babble, so I'm going to go clean off the tables and get myself together for departure... the cafe has had one customer in two hours. So until I'm bored and melancholy-ish again...
In progress: Tom's List of College Stuff
In response to seeing a few list of cool things or general facts about college and college life, I have decided to come up with my own list - the list is actually mostly made, I just have to write down the random thoughts for once. I was going to call it University Universalities, but that sounds kinda geeky, so List of College Stuff stands.
(no numbers until the list is "complete," meaning that it has reached a round number like ten or something)
- The dining hall serves nothing you like all week, followed by everything you like all in one meal.
- You get to appreciate the little things, like real silverware, a free evening, friends you haven't seen in forever, mail, and especially free food, a lot more.
- "Essentials" consist of things such as a TV, email, IM, and your favorite coffee drink.
In response to seeing a few list of cool things or general facts about college and college life, I have decided to come up with my own list - the list is actually mostly made, I just have to write down the random thoughts for once. I was going to call it University Universalities, but that sounds kinda geeky, so List of College Stuff stands.
(no numbers until the list is "complete," meaning that it has reached a round number like ten or something)
- The dining hall serves nothing you like all week, followed by everything you like all in one meal.
- You get to appreciate the little things, like real silverware, a free evening, friends you haven't seen in forever, mail, and especially free food, a lot more.
- "Essentials" consist of things such as a TV, email, IM, and your favorite coffee drink.
Monday, January 12, 2004
Now playing:
Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli, Con Te Partiro (Time To Say Goodbye)
I've had other things enter my mind since I was thinking about this, but when I got up this morning, I feel as if I'm letting things go. I still want to talk, but I can feel everything slipping away... as if my mind, or heart, or whatever it is has decided that the time was past and there is no point hanging on to old feelings. While it is always nice to feel pleasant emotions, deep down I doubt that right now they could exist without being colored by recent revelations; instead, like a cut flower, they slowly wither. If I were to talk about this and find reason to feel the same again, I'm sure I could, but even with the most positive outcome possible, I find it unlikely that I could drive away completely the way I am beginning to feel. If this is the case, any heavy dose of the emotion currently slipping away would be just a little too saccharine for me to want to prolong the sensation.
This is no calamity, of course; it just changes the dynamics of the situation again. Being single again, however reluctantly, will be no big change from the recent norm. In all honesty, I wasn't looking for a girlfriend when I met her, and I'm still not looking for any girlfriend. I'm going back to my previous premise: I'll be single until again I find someone who convinces me that I would rather be otherwise. Someone else... Beyond this, hopefully I am 1) well enough to put time into exercise, and 2) focused enough that social and electronic distractions don't interfere too greatly with my general plan. (Not the plan of which I spoke previously - that is both more short-term and far more trivial.)
In any case, having woken up with this feeling means that, just as it has already simmered down into the numbness I am accustomed to while staying at home, I may feel completely different about this tomorrow, or even more thoroughly indifferent. I still want to spend time with her, as I have always enjoyed her company, but consistency in dealing with romantically-awkward friendships is not something I have mastered. For this reason, the whole thing might turn into an emotional dinghy ride on heavy seas, and I can't see where I'll be in a few weeks or months. It is hard to say these days.
Right now I am a little sad to be leaving home; this has probably been the most pleasant extended stint so far, and while that doesn't say anything good about my usual time at home, I can't deny that it was kind of nice. This is not to say that I don't miss college and love being there (as I will probably be later tonight) but I will, for once, miss being at home... for at least five minutes. I'm going to go pack, or play computer games while I still have access to one that works, or both. And maybe listen to my dance playlist, it cheers me up. Right about now, the Funk Soul Brother, check it out now, the Funk Soul Brother...
RebRebRebRebRebRebRebReb... =P
Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli, Con Te Partiro (Time To Say Goodbye)
I've had other things enter my mind since I was thinking about this, but when I got up this morning, I feel as if I'm letting things go. I still want to talk, but I can feel everything slipping away... as if my mind, or heart, or whatever it is has decided that the time was past and there is no point hanging on to old feelings. While it is always nice to feel pleasant emotions, deep down I doubt that right now they could exist without being colored by recent revelations; instead, like a cut flower, they slowly wither. If I were to talk about this and find reason to feel the same again, I'm sure I could, but even with the most positive outcome possible, I find it unlikely that I could drive away completely the way I am beginning to feel. If this is the case, any heavy dose of the emotion currently slipping away would be just a little too saccharine for me to want to prolong the sensation.
This is no calamity, of course; it just changes the dynamics of the situation again. Being single again, however reluctantly, will be no big change from the recent norm. In all honesty, I wasn't looking for a girlfriend when I met her, and I'm still not looking for any girlfriend. I'm going back to my previous premise: I'll be single until again I find someone who convinces me that I would rather be otherwise. Someone else... Beyond this, hopefully I am 1) well enough to put time into exercise, and 2) focused enough that social and electronic distractions don't interfere too greatly with my general plan. (Not the plan of which I spoke previously - that is both more short-term and far more trivial.)
In any case, having woken up with this feeling means that, just as it has already simmered down into the numbness I am accustomed to while staying at home, I may feel completely different about this tomorrow, or even more thoroughly indifferent. I still want to spend time with her, as I have always enjoyed her company, but consistency in dealing with romantically-awkward friendships is not something I have mastered. For this reason, the whole thing might turn into an emotional dinghy ride on heavy seas, and I can't see where I'll be in a few weeks or months. It is hard to say these days.
Right now I am a little sad to be leaving home; this has probably been the most pleasant extended stint so far, and while that doesn't say anything good about my usual time at home, I can't deny that it was kind of nice. This is not to say that I don't miss college and love being there (as I will probably be later tonight) but I will, for once, miss being at home... for at least five minutes. I'm going to go pack, or play computer games while I still have access to one that works, or both. And maybe listen to my dance playlist, it cheers me up. Right about now, the Funk Soul Brother, check it out now, the Funk Soul Brother...
RebRebRebRebRebRebRebReb... =P
Saturday, January 10, 2004
Now playing:
Outkast, various songs (currently The Whole World)
(and yes, I do tend to listen to the same music over and over, but it works for me =P)
Maybe it's just the current Ghetto Pimpin' music playing, but I'm feeling much better in general. I went back and read the rest; it wasn't as much as I thought, and I laughed a bit, kind of like the first part. I will grant that I feel (once again) that I am definitely missing something, but I still think talking vis-a-vis (like the marker!) would be the best course of action. All selfish intentions and ulterior motives aside, there is just something lacking from every form of communication that is not in person. I suppose videophones would be the closest, but the fact that they are rather unpopular either suggests that we are not that interested in the honesty that body language forces, or that we simply want to be able to talk to people without getting dressed, or while cooking dinner or something. But, as usual, I digress. There are few things that I can say "as usual" about my life that I don't wish I could change, but my digressions are just part of who I am. (there, I did it again...)
So I finished reading. Hope is revived, at least to the point of seeking a direct audience for my queries. And all that aside, it may take a few days back to sink in completely, but the temporary amnesia that gripped me last night, erasing my recollection of the WAC factor (2:1), has all but worn off. That is definitely not to say that I'm going looking if this doesn't work out, or that I need a relationship. however, I have noted many times before how different it is to be single by choice or by helplessness, and anything that makes the situation feel more like the former is welcome. The actual situation is always a combination of the two, as long as the individual in question falls anywhere in a very wide middle of the bell curve; it takes a particularly attractive or unattractive person to be single completely by choice (i.e. single in the face of numerous satisfactory opportunities) or completely by helplessness (i.e. completely unable to find anyone - anyone - to date).
Since I have sincere doubts that I am thusly either gifted or cursed, the actual balance of the two is up for debate, but the perception of this balance is all that is actually important to self-esteem. Were a person to have many opportunities but still feel like there were no good options and therefore feel trapped in singledom, they would be particularly unhappy, whereas a person pleasantly deluded into thinking they have more options than are actually available is likely to be far happier than they would be if the truth were presented. Consequently, presentations of this truth are received particularly poorly... as previously evidenced many many times. In conclusion, I'd rather delude myself and be happy than wallow in (and, historically, overdramatize) reality.
I'm done philosophizing for the time being, and I don't feel like either playing games (gasp!) or hitting the sack yet. Hence, I put forth a query to my audience (all two of you) regarding today's events. While in Dover, Mom made her usual offer to buy me a leather jacket (she really seems to dislike my trenchcoat... blasphemy!), but this time the offer was made additionally compelling by the fact that Wilson's Leather was having a 50%-off sale. Even with half off, most of the coats in that store would keep me in Chinese food for at least a month if not purchased. However. There was an indecently nice leather trenchcoat that, instead of making me look like a well-known leather-trenchcoat-and-leather-gloves-wearing student at WC, made me look rather mafia-esque. Ok, maybe that's a stretch, but it was very very nice. Not $200 nice, but very very nice. Maybe even someone-else's-$200 nice... In The real question is, should I or should I not? I'm not going for moral considerations, those are all lost upon me at this point; I'm simply interested in fashion sense from those those who have more of one than I do. This will be further addressed once I return.
Last weekend at home! I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or just pack. Looking forward to seeing everyone again, sleeping in my nice, non-squeaky, non-falling-apart bed at college, and probably bitching out IT for taking my computer for an entire month without even looking at it. Definitely wanting to take the new grilling cookbook for a spin, finally rearrange my room the way I want it, and pick up the new TV I have on layaway (shh!). Even looking forward to the old DH - mostly the company, but it will be very nice to have choices other than "eat or go hungry." But most of all... the good ol' WAC factor. It's good to be in college...
Outkast, various songs (currently The Whole World)
(and yes, I do tend to listen to the same music over and over, but it works for me =P)
Maybe it's just the current Ghetto Pimpin' music playing, but I'm feeling much better in general. I went back and read the rest; it wasn't as much as I thought, and I laughed a bit, kind of like the first part. I will grant that I feel (once again) that I am definitely missing something, but I still think talking vis-a-vis (like the marker!) would be the best course of action. All selfish intentions and ulterior motives aside, there is just something lacking from every form of communication that is not in person. I suppose videophones would be the closest, but the fact that they are rather unpopular either suggests that we are not that interested in the honesty that body language forces, or that we simply want to be able to talk to people without getting dressed, or while cooking dinner or something. But, as usual, I digress. There are few things that I can say "as usual" about my life that I don't wish I could change, but my digressions are just part of who I am. (there, I did it again...)
So I finished reading. Hope is revived, at least to the point of seeking a direct audience for my queries. And all that aside, it may take a few days back to sink in completely, but the temporary amnesia that gripped me last night, erasing my recollection of the WAC factor (2:1), has all but worn off. That is definitely not to say that I'm going looking if this doesn't work out, or that I need a relationship. however, I have noted many times before how different it is to be single by choice or by helplessness, and anything that makes the situation feel more like the former is welcome. The actual situation is always a combination of the two, as long as the individual in question falls anywhere in a very wide middle of the bell curve; it takes a particularly attractive or unattractive person to be single completely by choice (i.e. single in the face of numerous satisfactory opportunities) or completely by helplessness (i.e. completely unable to find anyone - anyone - to date).
Since I have sincere doubts that I am thusly either gifted or cursed, the actual balance of the two is up for debate, but the perception of this balance is all that is actually important to self-esteem. Were a person to have many opportunities but still feel like there were no good options and therefore feel trapped in singledom, they would be particularly unhappy, whereas a person pleasantly deluded into thinking they have more options than are actually available is likely to be far happier than they would be if the truth were presented. Consequently, presentations of this truth are received particularly poorly... as previously evidenced many many times. In conclusion, I'd rather delude myself and be happy than wallow in (and, historically, overdramatize) reality.
I'm done philosophizing for the time being, and I don't feel like either playing games (gasp!) or hitting the sack yet. Hence, I put forth a query to my audience (all two of you) regarding today's events. While in Dover, Mom made her usual offer to buy me a leather jacket (she really seems to dislike my trenchcoat... blasphemy!), but this time the offer was made additionally compelling by the fact that Wilson's Leather was having a 50%-off sale. Even with half off, most of the coats in that store would keep me in Chinese food for at least a month if not purchased. However. There was an indecently nice leather trenchcoat that, instead of making me look like a well-known leather-trenchcoat-and-leather-gloves-wearing student at WC, made me look rather mafia-esque. Ok, maybe that's a stretch, but it was very very nice. Not $200 nice, but very very nice. Maybe even someone-else's-$200 nice... In The real question is, should I or should I not? I'm not going for moral considerations, those are all lost upon me at this point; I'm simply interested in fashion sense from those those who have more of one than I do. This will be further addressed once I return.
Last weekend at home! I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or just pack. Looking forward to seeing everyone again, sleeping in my nice, non-squeaky, non-falling-apart bed at college, and probably bitching out IT for taking my computer for an entire month without even looking at it. Definitely wanting to take the new grilling cookbook for a spin, finally rearrange my room the way I want it, and pick up the new TV I have on layaway (shh!). Even looking forward to the old DH - mostly the company, but it will be very nice to have choices other than "eat or go hungry." But most of all... the good ol' WAC factor. It's good to be in college...
While I am a little tired, and should probably go to bed (let alone the fact that I'm physically ready for bed), I think I'm going to write a bit. It would make me feel better, getting my mind off stuff. I hate to use something as useless as a video game I'm already infatuated with to get my mind off something as important to me (and as contemplation-worthy) as this is, but right now I don't really want to think about it. I've written a second chapter for Psionic [originally Psychotic] Cyber-Ninja Thingy, detailing the origin of the character's talents and the political situation surrounding the game. Yeah, both that bored and want to get my mind off it that badly. (Yet, I can't.) I will spare anyone reading for the ongoing drama and little quips that my life consists of - though recently there seems to be too much of the former and not nearly enough of the latter - the chore of reading through Chapter 2, which is the most boring one so far (that's me trying to be funny... yeah, I know) unless someone asks for it. It's also like twice as long as the first one.
Now that I've scared everybody off of that idea, I'll share my most recent thoughts on the topic at hand. We always see, hear, and read into everything just what we want to. I wasn't going to read any further to spare myself what I missed, but what I read instead made me think I haven't missed anything. Two things are wrong with this. The thing I read first suggests that I have missed something, and that I would definitely be missing it if I continue to treat this situation like I have in the last few hours. The second problem is with my stopping point. I started with some stuff which I think is perfectly honest and, if I read it correctly, positive; that encouraged me to read further. Reading further exposed recent events (damn bottom-to-top structuring... anyone who uses that is asking for confusion =P) that brought to surface something I didn't want to deal with. That hurt, because I have been denying it for some time. I should have stopped there, but I didn't. I read further to the decision, and the truths that came to light there hurt even more than I thought possible. I was ready to give the entire thing up... perhaps not the entire thing, but at least my hopes. However, I've had some time to think about it (I tried so hard not to, but that really was a boring chapter and a hard one to write - SS2 isn't about the politics and science of R-grade cyber-modification, but about blasting aliens and robots and stuff - and it kept creeping into my mind) and I don't think I should do anything, or really feel a certain way, before I read more. Except for the very beginning (again, if I interpret it correctly), I've only read negative things, but there may be positive things ahead, even if they came to a negative conclusion - which I've already read. In conclusion, I think I'll have to make myself read further at some point, just not now because now I really need to get some sleep. It's just so frustrating finding myself going from waiting for an opportunity to being denied that opportunity, then finding I never had a true opportunity to begin with. I'm at the point of trying to find out if I ever really had that chance or not, and if I never had it or I lost it, then I will be disappointed but I will get over it. If I did (and still do), then hope is not completely lost, and nothing blooms in the face of adversity quite like hope does if given the chance.
Goodnight, wherever you are.
Now playing:
Linkin Park, Breaking The Habit:
"I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight"
Now that I've scared everybody off of that idea, I'll share my most recent thoughts on the topic at hand. We always see, hear, and read into everything just what we want to. I wasn't going to read any further to spare myself what I missed, but what I read instead made me think I haven't missed anything. Two things are wrong with this. The thing I read first suggests that I have missed something, and that I would definitely be missing it if I continue to treat this situation like I have in the last few hours. The second problem is with my stopping point. I started with some stuff which I think is perfectly honest and, if I read it correctly, positive; that encouraged me to read further. Reading further exposed recent events (damn bottom-to-top structuring... anyone who uses that is asking for confusion =P) that brought to surface something I didn't want to deal with. That hurt, because I have been denying it for some time. I should have stopped there, but I didn't. I read further to the decision, and the truths that came to light there hurt even more than I thought possible. I was ready to give the entire thing up... perhaps not the entire thing, but at least my hopes. However, I've had some time to think about it (I tried so hard not to, but that really was a boring chapter and a hard one to write - SS2 isn't about the politics and science of R-grade cyber-modification, but about blasting aliens and robots and stuff - and it kept creeping into my mind) and I don't think I should do anything, or really feel a certain way, before I read more. Except for the very beginning (again, if I interpret it correctly), I've only read negative things, but there may be positive things ahead, even if they came to a negative conclusion - which I've already read. In conclusion, I think I'll have to make myself read further at some point, just not now because now I really need to get some sleep. It's just so frustrating finding myself going from waiting for an opportunity to being denied that opportunity, then finding I never had a true opportunity to begin with. I'm at the point of trying to find out if I ever really had that chance or not, and if I never had it or I lost it, then I will be disappointed but I will get over it. If I did (and still do), then hope is not completely lost, and nothing blooms in the face of adversity quite like hope does if given the chance.
Goodnight, wherever you are.
Now playing:
Linkin Park, Breaking The Habit:
"I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight"
So I said I've done enough damage, but it's always moth-to-a-flame. Consider the damage done, and consider the end final. And I think the plan will have to be modified.
Goddamn it. Damn everything.
Now playing:
Disturbed, The Game
"Warning: These lyrics might contain offensive language."
I think I'm done for a while.
Goddamn it. Damn everything.
Now playing:
Disturbed, The Game
"Warning: These lyrics might contain offensive language."
I think I'm done for a while.
*ahem.*
(summary of edited text: Now playing, pimpin' club songs - remember the poster, always remember the poster. Not playing, romantic things.)
I had a plan. This does not change the plan. In fact, it reinforces the plan. The plan will continue, and as it has been designed such that failure is nearly impossible, it will succeed. The plan will go forth, and I will be as happy as I was for the first few months of the first semester of my third year at Washington College. Before.
(summary of edited text: Anger, determination, and cursing. Something about going to the gym more and not being sick being nice concepts.)
Now playing: Manson, Rammstein, Slipknot, and other stuff I haven't heard in too long
(summary of edited text: this isn't about causing guilt in any particular reader, so I'm taking the personal stuff offline, to be discussed in the future if the situation arises; if I'm this over it by now, then I'll be fine by tomorrow, or definitely by a few days, at least until I decide to confront my source of conflict. "...but I am tired of dancing, and I am tired of bushes, and I am tired of parlay." And that's the honest truth.)
...a little late, but then I've always been a bit slow, especially when facing painful truths. And I just realized that this is not going to ever be posted. Not in the current form. Or at least not until I've decided on a better course of action than putting all my juvenile thoughts up on a weblog.
(summary of edited text: I've done enough damage to my emotions and psyche for one night, I'll give it a rest now before I realize how much of a dumbass I was and how much of a chance I missed.)
It really is a shame I can't post this whole, in some lights it would be really funny.
Now playing:
Rammstein, Du Riechst So Gut
Rammstein, Feuer Frei
Slipknot, Wait And Bleed
Disturbed, The Sickness
Mmmm, anger and angst. The truest emotions I've had since this time last year.
(summary of edited text: Now playing, pimpin' club songs - remember the poster, always remember the poster. Not playing, romantic things.)
I had a plan. This does not change the plan. In fact, it reinforces the plan. The plan will continue, and as it has been designed such that failure is nearly impossible, it will succeed. The plan will go forth, and I will be as happy as I was for the first few months of the first semester of my third year at Washington College. Before.
(summary of edited text: Anger, determination, and cursing. Something about going to the gym more and not being sick being nice concepts.)
Now playing: Manson, Rammstein, Slipknot, and other stuff I haven't heard in too long
(summary of edited text: this isn't about causing guilt in any particular reader, so I'm taking the personal stuff offline, to be discussed in the future if the situation arises; if I'm this over it by now, then I'll be fine by tomorrow, or definitely by a few days, at least until I decide to confront my source of conflict. "...but I am tired of dancing, and I am tired of bushes, and I am tired of parlay." And that's the honest truth.)
...a little late, but then I've always been a bit slow, especially when facing painful truths. And I just realized that this is not going to ever be posted. Not in the current form. Or at least not until I've decided on a better course of action than putting all my juvenile thoughts up on a weblog.
(summary of edited text: I've done enough damage to my emotions and psyche for one night, I'll give it a rest now before I realize how much of a dumbass I was and how much of a chance I missed.)
It really is a shame I can't post this whole, in some lights it would be really funny.
Now playing:
Rammstein, Du Riechst So Gut
Rammstein, Feuer Frei
Slipknot, Wait And Bleed
Disturbed, The Sickness
Mmmm, anger and angst. The truest emotions I've had since this time last year.
Friday, January 09, 2004
[edited for audience]
So I just did something that, in retrospect, I really didn't want to do. (summary of following text: blah blah blah, I'm a sad puppy, blah blah blah, I'm too sad to sit back, look at the big picture, and figure out that I really have no business being this messed up over something like this, blah blah blah.) And now it seems that logic and analysis are all that will get me out of this distraught mess, and caution would have saved me the trouble... Damn the whole thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The guitar in Bonnie and Clyde has a distinctly wistful tone right now.
So I just did something that, in retrospect, I really didn't want to do. (summary of following text: blah blah blah, I'm a sad puppy, blah blah blah, I'm too sad to sit back, look at the big picture, and figure out that I really have no business being this messed up over something like this, blah blah blah.) And now it seems that logic and analysis are all that will get me out of this distraught mess, and caution would have saved me the trouble... Damn the whole thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The guitar in Bonnie and Clyde has a distinctly wistful tone right now.
From the "you know you've been playing too much System Shock 2 when..." files:
My current idea for a new character is strongly psi- and melee-based, with a possible background in energy weapons - though standard and heavy weapons are just too useful to resist... Throw this in with the fact that my last character was like a psi/marine hybrid (who wasn't terribly focused because I kept wanting to try cool new stuff), meaning that I now am infatuated with the idea of a psi-powered melee ninja-esque character and have ideas about how to do it, and you get the following. (Yes, this is what I've resorted to so I don't lose my mind with boredom.) Without further ado:
Psionic Cyber-Ninja Thingy
Stealing silently along the corridor, he paid vigilant attention to the sounds about him; they could warn of nearly any danger ahead, from the incessant jabber of a protocol droid or the quiet mutter of the zombie-like mutants to the high-pitched buzz of maturing parasite egg pods. This time, his only warning was the subdued whir of servomotors as a cyborg assassin appeared from a side passageway, sending throwing stars aimed with computed precision at his head. He barely twisted out of the way of the first two, and the third would have embedded itself in his neck if he had not ducked behind a support column. Activating his psionic amplifier, he quietly cast an agility spell, then withdrew a laser rapier and burst from behind the column, crossing twenty feet in half a second. The assassin, stealthily approaching the column from the other side, barely had time to react as the energy blade passed through its torso, slicing it cleanly in two.
He turned, raising the rapier for a second stroke, but above the assassin's electronic squeal he heard the familiar click-whirr of a security turret activating. The attack fluidly converted into a dive for a nearby doorway as the assassin, the wall where he had been standing, and most of the rest of the hallway were perforated with antipersonnel slugs. Swearing quietly, he pulled out the psi amp again, this time causing an exponential increase in his circulating adrenaline levels. He could now, with one incredibly powerful stroke, slice the heavily armored turret into scrap metal as easily as the assassin; if he waited until the thing paused to reload, there was a good chance that he could make his approach and dispatch it before it got another shot off. He might even have enough strength left to withstand the self-destruct explosion that most turrets were wired for in the event of heavy damage.
Suddenly, the clatter of the turret's automatic fire died off, and he prepared to make his assault - then froze. In the vacuum of noise that greeted the turret's reload-and-reacquisition-of-target cycle, an uneven thump-thump could be heard echoing down the hall, growing steadily louder. He hazarded a glance around the corner, withdrawing his head before the turret could take aim, then swore again. While he could still manage to take out the turret, the huge, vaguely-humanoid mutant lumbering down the corridor would now have to be dealt with as well, and his chances of killing both of them before the mutant crushed him - or worse, ate him - were looking slimmer every passing instant. Pushing away suicidal impulses, he quickly but thoroughly considered his options. After a moment of frustrating deliberation, he withdrew the psi amp a last time and, smiling grimly, switched the setting to "Psionic Detonation"...
My current idea for a new character is strongly psi- and melee-based, with a possible background in energy weapons - though standard and heavy weapons are just too useful to resist... Throw this in with the fact that my last character was like a psi/marine hybrid (who wasn't terribly focused because I kept wanting to try cool new stuff), meaning that I now am infatuated with the idea of a psi-powered melee ninja-esque character and have ideas about how to do it, and you get the following. (Yes, this is what I've resorted to so I don't lose my mind with boredom.) Without further ado:
Psionic Cyber-Ninja Thingy
Stealing silently along the corridor, he paid vigilant attention to the sounds about him; they could warn of nearly any danger ahead, from the incessant jabber of a protocol droid or the quiet mutter of the zombie-like mutants to the high-pitched buzz of maturing parasite egg pods. This time, his only warning was the subdued whir of servomotors as a cyborg assassin appeared from a side passageway, sending throwing stars aimed with computed precision at his head. He barely twisted out of the way of the first two, and the third would have embedded itself in his neck if he had not ducked behind a support column. Activating his psionic amplifier, he quietly cast an agility spell, then withdrew a laser rapier and burst from behind the column, crossing twenty feet in half a second. The assassin, stealthily approaching the column from the other side, barely had time to react as the energy blade passed through its torso, slicing it cleanly in two.
He turned, raising the rapier for a second stroke, but above the assassin's electronic squeal he heard the familiar click-whirr of a security turret activating. The attack fluidly converted into a dive for a nearby doorway as the assassin, the wall where he had been standing, and most of the rest of the hallway were perforated with antipersonnel slugs. Swearing quietly, he pulled out the psi amp again, this time causing an exponential increase in his circulating adrenaline levels. He could now, with one incredibly powerful stroke, slice the heavily armored turret into scrap metal as easily as the assassin; if he waited until the thing paused to reload, there was a good chance that he could make his approach and dispatch it before it got another shot off. He might even have enough strength left to withstand the self-destruct explosion that most turrets were wired for in the event of heavy damage.
Suddenly, the clatter of the turret's automatic fire died off, and he prepared to make his assault - then froze. In the vacuum of noise that greeted the turret's reload-and-reacquisition-of-target cycle, an uneven thump-thump could be heard echoing down the hall, growing steadily louder. He hazarded a glance around the corner, withdrawing his head before the turret could take aim, then swore again. While he could still manage to take out the turret, the huge, vaguely-humanoid mutant lumbering down the corridor would now have to be dealt with as well, and his chances of killing both of them before the mutant crushed him - or worse, ate him - were looking slimmer every passing instant. Pushing away suicidal impulses, he quickly but thoroughly considered his options. After a moment of frustrating deliberation, he withdrew the psi amp a last time and, smiling grimly, switched the setting to "Psionic Detonation"...
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