*I thought I posted this last Saturday, but apparently my computer died and I never finished the draft. Here's what I had:

Now Playing:
Rob Dougan, Clubbed to Death

Tonight I ended up in Caroline, after walking friends back to Minta where one realized her keys were in someone else's room. Unfortunately, she was a little sick, so due to my tendency toward a sensitive gag reflex, I found myself waiting outside the restrooms while another friend helped on the front lines. It was there that I noticed the fight going on in someone's room. Despite being about halfway down the length of Caroline from me, it was clear that a boyfriend (or at least someone involved) was having issues with one of the residents. There were a number of accusations from the guy, met with tearful defensive retorts from the girl, and then the crash of broken glass. I saw a couple of pieces come out from under the door.

Eventually the girl told the guy to leave. He did, and her quiet sobs chased the echoes of the slammed door down the stairs. The girl who we had been hanging out with got paper towels to help clean up the broken glass. My friends came out of the bathroom and had some water, then we walked downstairs and I said my good nights. I couldn't shake two feelings the entire time, both of which hit me as I stood outside the bathroom, listening to the muffled coughs from one direction and the quiet sobs from the other.

The computer just died (twice!) and I lost two solid paragraphs, because I'm too tired to remember "Save as Draft because computer sucks". Anyway. Back to the story:

So I was standing there and I realized that I don't usually see this side of college life. I've been here for years now and I still feel as if my rather tame and proper life is relatively normal. And yet, I really do know that all this stuff is going on, I just choose not to accept it or think about it. Troubled relationships, drinking to the point of sickness, and even the couple we interrupted drunkenly doing something illicit in the lobby are all a part of college life for so many people, but just because I don't see it, I feel like it doesn't happen. It bothers me somewhat that I am still so closeted (though much more aware than I was in high school, but that doesn't say much) and I hope that I can manage to be less surprised by the antics of more normal college students without becoming cynical about it.

The other thing that I thought about was that men really can be assholes. As I stood outside the bathroom, I couldn't help but hear the louder segments of conversation. From these, I gathered that the guy was drunk, confused about the girl's interest in him, and out to get laid. When it didn't look like the night was going his way, he first got mad, then got violent. Thankfully, she wasn't hurt (physically) and there were people around who were aware of the situation and willing to help. I know some guys feel that violence is the best way to solve any problem, and I know how easy it can be to get frustrated, especially when emotions are already involved. However, as this particular situation demonstrated, violence doesn't really solve anything. I wish it were easier for those in abusive relationships to distance themselves from the situation, but feelings for someone can't simply be turned off. Even if she left him today, the girl in Caroline has already would have already dealt with too much.

*That's about all I had. There will probably be something interesting soon... I keep getting good quotes and forgetting them. Hopefully this week will be a little less hectic.

This deserves its own frickin post.

So I found this little gem on AIM.com. That should have been a tipoff right there, but I was intrigued. This led me to find the most blatant example of scientific idiocy in print that I can remember having seen. Let me break down the main selling points:

1) "Men Allegedly Bomb McDonald's Over Shake" (the title) So how sensationalist is that? Still, it gets better...

2) "Investigators say the men mixed toilet bowl cleaner and aluminum foil in a plastic soda bottle as they sat at a table Friday evening near the restaurant's restrooms. They then capped the bottle, put it on the table and left before it exploded at 10:45 p.m. Friday. A customer sitting 10 feet away wasn't hit by the splashing chemicals." (straight from the article)

My roomie Dan, resident chemist, explained that the reaction was probably due to sulfuric acid in the cleaner reacting with the metal, releasing relatively harmless gas. Something akin to mixing vinegar and baking soda. Therefore, the "explosion" to which the article repeatedly refers was nothing more than a pop, probably the top coming off the bottle. And the "splashing chemicals" - again, toilet bowl cleaner - would have gone approximately nowhere.

3) "'The toilet bowl cleaner has an acid base,' Taylor said. 'It can burn your skin and put your eyes out.'" (sadly... verbatim from the article)

Best... and by far the worst. I could just go on about this one. When I read it I literally did a double take. To a chemist, the way it was said that the active ingredient of the cleaner is acidic in nature is rather unwieldy. However, the rest is so alarmist that even our overcareful lab director would giggle at how the dangers of toilet bowl cleaner were described. The sheriff doing the talking here sounds like some kind of uninformed parent explaining to a three year old why he shouldn't play under the sink. "You'll put your eye out!!!" Ha. Oh, and I think they weren't kidding.

So in conclusion, AIM news has yet to find the top end of the reliable list, and I have yet to figure that out before reading their silly stories. There was one about nuking hurricanes, but I haven't gotten to it yet... maybe I should quit while I'm ahead.

Now playing:
Rock the Caspa, by someone or other (it's in my head!)

Don't know why I'm posting... maybe just because I can. There was something to say but now there isn't. I have just wasted time for so long, and all I have to show for it is vacuum. And I don't think there will be as much drinking... last night got a little crazy and I'm starting to lose touch with all the things I used to enjoy about not drinking. I still enjoy them - I guess I just forgot how good they can be. And I found ways to make alcohol not suck. Oh well. Still love that Fresca!

Now Playing:

I don't wanna know
if you're playing me keep it on the low
'cause my heart can't take it anymore
and if you're creeping please don't let it show
oh baby I don't wanna know
~Mario Winans

...also known as "the sadness." So great, in its sadness. No particular significance - except, again, that for some masochistic reason I enjoy basking, no, reveling in the sadness that this song embodies.

So it's time to let go. That is, it was time to let go a couple of days ago, but apparently now it was time to let go a couple of months ago. Regardless, it's not that easy. There's no "off" switch, no giant power cord or panic button or anything else. The heart is an entity that functions of its own accord (and yes, the sinoatrial node can generate signals for cardiac contraction independent of the brain, but that's different). It contradicts typical laws of logic and reason, conforming instead to its own code of behavior that has defied analysis by desperate men and women since the beginning of human time.

It is for this reason that I have found myself at an impasse in previous times: how to reason with the situation wherein I am attracted to someone in whom I cannot be interested. It seems now more than ever that, as a good friend, I must let this go. However, it almost seems reasonable this time. I remember the last time I tried to let this go and, in retrospect, how miserable a failure it was. Again, the heart is its own governing entity and is quite capable of ignoring the intelligent or logical choices suggested by the cerebrum. I can only hope that I was not the only one who failed so thoroughly in such an endeavour.

In any case, I found myself considering the words of the Romantics: enjoy the memory of that which you have enjoyed, and enjoy it all the more for the fact that it is gone. They probably never actually said that, but that's kinda the point. Romanticism was one of my favorite classes ever and I miss it; it gave me a better outlook on life. To have forgotten it, or just not taken it into consideration for some time, seemed like an insult to the classes and the writers themselves. So the other day I was thinking about this letting-go thing and how bummed I felt about it, and then it occurred to me that it was gone, yet I could be happy if I just focused on the fact that I had what I had. That may seem like settling or rationalizing but in fact, it doesn't change anything and it makes me feel better about things.

So that's that. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or even today... but I do know that I value the past enough to respect it and enjoy its memory even in the face of a less-hopeful future. Again, nothing has changed, but I am not going to wish for things I can't have if I don't stop to appreciate what I lost.

To put this in context... I'm a little not myself right now. I'm quite ramble-y and a little woozy as well as very tired. However it still makes perfect sense from my current perspective. and that's that.

Now Playing:
Good Charlotte, Hold On

"I just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be okay." - The Wedding Singer

Maybe not the guy in the movie who then does exactly that for purposes of comic relief. Still, my life feels like it's stuck in that downswing of crap after all the good stuff builds, right before the height of action and resolution. Like in Old School right around Blue dying and the fraternity getting their charter suspended. As if things aren't already pretty damn bad, they just seem to keep getting worse. I can't say my life is without its high points, even in the apparent doldrums, but so many things have gone wrong lately that I find myself conjecturing on what will fail next. It's a lousy attitude and I know I need to lose it. Things always look up eventually if you let them, but the view is always shit from the trenches.

Now playing: Jet, Are You Gonna Be My Girl


Is it wrong to buy something from the cafe as an excuse to make conversation with the attractive girl working? Didn't think so.


Recent quotes:

"He's an acquired taste and I haven't acquired it." - A friend, on someone less palatable. I just thought it was clever.

"My karma ran over my dogma" - bumper sticker. Funnier when you realize that it actually makes sense beyond the play on words.

So I haven't been doing a great job of recording them lately, oh well. Being back at college wit mah peeps, certain hilarity will ensue given some time and patience. Ah Washington College, how I've missed you.

Now playing: silence

I started this twice but the computer crashed out on me. Nothing like technical failures to rain on a parade. However, I decided that the only truly important thing I had to say is this:

I remain, and probably always will be, deeply attracted to you... but I cannot now be interested in you again, for reasons of honor. This is not my purpose in spending time with you, but I can't help but think it every time I see you. I hope you understand, and I hope you forgive me for not having the courage to tell you today. There is so much I could say, and so little time to say it...

Good night everyone, wherever you are.